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| Saturday, April 1st 2000 00:01 CDT FTC Investigates Jif; Charges Choosy Moms Do Not Actually Choose It Late yesterday, the Federal Trade Commission began a false advertisement investigation into Proctor and Gamble's Jif product, alleging that their claims that "choosy moms choose Jif" is simply not true. In fact, their studies show that moms that consider themselves "choosy" often do not choose Jif at all. Proctor and Gamble CEO Durk Jager, already embattled by the company's sagging stock, commented "We stick by our product, I truly believe if that I were a choosy mom, I would choose Jif." ConAgra, makers of Peter Pan Brand Peanut Butter since 1920, responded to the investigation: "We're glad we're finally getting some justice here. Peter Pan is just as much the choice of choosy moms as Jif." This case is quickly developing. We'll have more information as soon as it spreads out. The Peanut Butter Zone Joins Condiment/Spreads Media Network Hoping to expand its global reach in the growing Condiment and Spreads website world, The Peanut Butter Zone has joined the Condiment/Spreads Media Network, an alliance of sites that address this section of the food service world. Joining such sites as Relish Rumors, Salsa Central, Accelerate Your Ketchup!, and JamInTouch. We hope for great things from this network and we hope you'll support our partners. Image of Virgin Mary Seen in Mayfield High PB and J Local high school student Chad Winston picked up his usual lunch of a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich with chocolate milk and immediately noticed that his sandwich had the image of the Virgin Mary embossed in the peanut butter. Said honor student Chad, "I was just eating my sammich and I saw the Virgin Mary right there. I knew a miracle had occured right there on my federally-subsidized lunch!" Mayfield High principal, Demond Means, had the following to say about Chad's credibility " Chad is a wonderful young man. He is pleasant and cares for others." The Catholic Diocese of Mayfield was investigating the incident and would report later if it found that a miracle had actually taken place. Already newsmedia and peanut butter companies were clamoring to film the sandwich in question. Jif, Skippy, and Peter Pan brands of peanut butter all sent representatives to claim credit for the blessed spread, but it was soon revealed the PB in question was of the government-surplus variety.
Local peanuts and grocery shoppers filed suit today against Smuckers for their "Goober Grape" mixed peanut butter and jelly product. Spokesman for peanuts everywhere, Mr. Peanut had a few comments on "Goober Grape," saying "on behalf of myself and peanuts the world over, we protest this product on mere principle. If you're going to be smashed, opened, ground up and creamed, would you want to spend the remaining days of your life with jelly?" Others were dismayed at the product's introduction. We caught up with young Simon Helton, a first grader at Ridgemont Elementary School, "Goober Grape is really dumb. Half the fun of my sammich is mixing the peanut butter with jelly. I will see Smuckers in court." Other Headlines
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Peanuts, Shoppers Alike Sue Smuckers for "Goober Grape" Travesty