Lead Eyes Bismuth Warily

Lead, having recently repelled an attack from periodic table neighbor to the left thallium, is suspecting a new offensive from neighbor to the right, bismuth.

"I swear I saw him whispering to antimony about invading," lead said in an interview this week. Last year, he teamed up with antimony (Sb) and tellurium (Te). "We went on Judge Mills Lane to try to work things out, and they ended up siding with those greasy-haired punks," Pb said.

"Lead: It Does a Body Good" Advertising Campaign a Failure

Citing evidence of widespread death and birth defects, the American Lead Promotion Council discontinued its "Lead: It Does a Body Good" campaign this week.

"When the first few reports of deaths came in, we didn't give it much thought," said Harvey Rodgers, ALPC president, "but we began to have serious doubts when Leroy the six-fingered boy showed up at our offices and began yelling uncontrollably."

The Council remains undeterred in its efforts to promote lead in every American's daily routine, as "Lead: It's What's for Dinner," and "Lead: The Other Bluish-White Lustrous Metal" were ready to go at presstime.

Lead and Tin Get Drunk; Create Pewter

While at an element office party last week, element Lead and Tin became grossly inebriated and conceived a new alloy: pewter.

"Look, tin really isn't my usual caliber of element. I can usually bag plutonium or strontium," Lead said, "but her protons looked great after about three or four beers."

Custody details are still sketchy at this time, but Lead did agree to regular visits.

Other Lead Headlines

• Antimony Hardened By Lead, Say Scientists.
• Lead Clothing Sales Slow, Mobility Limiting Factors Blamed
• Lead Vows to Lose 8 Protons, Shed Energy Level by Reunion